Recently I've found myself drawn in by two potential employment opportunities. Stand up comedian, or potentially working for a company that produces dragon dildos based on Arizona. I feel like this blog was the beginning of what is likely a long road of comedic successes and failures, and if I'm as adamant about being a comedian as I am about this blog, then I might as well quit while I'm ahead. Everyone is telling me that I haven't updated this blog and that I don't care about my blog or it's subscribers but that's a lie. I just lead a really boring life and haven't had anything happen that I'd like publicly broadcasted over the internet recently. I guess this is just a quick little update telling you that I'm not dead, and that I have even more plans that I'll never follow through with for the blog. I've been writing up some sweet jokes and am hopefully going to do an open mic at some nameless comedy club for no money and probably get booed off the stage, but I'm going to try god dammit.
Anyways if I can drag someone along with a video camera I'll put up a video of that. Before I do that however I may very well just put all my jokes online for your guys entertainment, as well as for someone to steal my intellectual property and proceed to steal all of my fame and wealth.
Anyways so now you guys know all about what's going on for me, and how the last two months have been spent trying to find a job, and finally settling in with applying to produce dragon dildos, or make people laugh, or both.
Wish me luck guys!
Friday, December 2, 2011
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Some cool stuff going on I guess
So the last post here by Adam about the BF3 beta was all lies. Or maybe the truth, when he said 'slicker than snot' he must have been referring to when your snot dries up, becomes encrusted on the inside of your nose and becomes an arduous and painful process of removal. That particular beta is a piece of shit and you shouldn't play it, the reason being not the infinite bugs, which are difficult if not impossible to play through, but in fact the people at EA. The adaptation of their new Origin program as the only program in which BF3 will be purchasable, unless you go out and buy a hard copy, and even if you do you still have to have Origin in order to play the game, coupled with the new battle log system are more then enough to make me not want to play BF3 when it goes live, mostly because Origin is a piece of shit, and the battle log is also.. A piece of shit. They took what could have been a great game and rushed out a shitty COD clone with really un-intuitive UI and sub-par game-play and put it on their awful Origin service and forced battle log down our throats, so you might as well cancel your dreams for BF3, and just masturbate to Skyrim trailers till November.
In other news, now that I've ruined Adam's credibility, me and some other friends have started 'streaming' starcraft 2 games. We started out with a best of three in which Connor beat me 2-1, so props to him, and continued with more coverage of our totally pro, MLG level skills in a bronze league 1v1 in which me and Alex spammed out roaches and stalkers the entire time until the other guys were dead. You should check it out! It's all on twitch.tv/alexholliz where you can see me and connor and alex and maybe even adam all make fools of ourselves! Check that shit out!
Maybe later we might also stream some league of legends if Alex would be so kind as to let us borrow his stream for such things, and you can see me and some other people who are waaaay better than me at that game try and 'pwn sum n00bs' or something else to that effect.
Lastly, for Halloween I decided that I was going to go to the local shin-dig, like so many others in the past, dressed like Minecraft Steve. I'll be sure to post to this blog here how that build went, maybe even a tutorial if you can believe it. Stay tuned for more input, and get ready for some really REALLY mediocre and rushed blog content that I've written up at 2:33 AM after having some guilty feelings about leaving this place alone and abandoned so much.
In other news, now that I've ruined Adam's credibility, me and some other friends have started 'streaming' starcraft 2 games. We started out with a best of three in which Connor beat me 2-1, so props to him, and continued with more coverage of our totally pro, MLG level skills in a bronze league 1v1 in which me and Alex spammed out roaches and stalkers the entire time until the other guys were dead. You should check it out! It's all on twitch.tv/alexholliz where you can see me and connor and alex and maybe even adam all make fools of ourselves! Check that shit out!
Maybe later we might also stream some league of legends if Alex would be so kind as to let us borrow his stream for such things, and you can see me and some other people who are waaaay better than me at that game try and 'pwn sum n00bs' or something else to that effect.
Lastly, for Halloween I decided that I was going to go to the local shin-dig, like so many others in the past, dressed like Minecraft Steve. I'll be sure to post to this blog here how that build went, maybe even a tutorial if you can believe it. Stay tuned for more input, and get ready for some really REALLY mediocre and rushed blog content that I've written up at 2:33 AM after having some guilty feelings about leaving this place alone and abandoned so much.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Minor Houskeeping
Just an update:
THE BATTLEFIELD 3 BETA IS SLICKER THAN SNOT.
Some details:
-Operation Metro, set in Paris. RUSH, 16v16.
-4 pairs of MCOM stations. 2 outside, 2 in subway tunnels.
-Classes are switched up from BC2, I stick with engineer.
ALSO, BUGS, BUGS EVERYWHERE.
I will probably add to this list, and anyone else involved in the beta can post their bugs in the comments. That being said:
-You can only open the [ESC] menu during gameplay. Not during the spawn screen, or at a round end. ONLY while deployed.Same for load-outs and such.
-Minor graphical glitches, but this is expected.
-Key bindings. Will NOT play nice with MB 3,4,5, and very picky about keyboard keys.
-Chat. Press [J],[K], or [L]. But you don't know if its All, Team or Squad chat because its not labeled. The chat history box is damn near impossible to read on 1920*1080
-Team killers. Team killers everywhere.
-BattleLog. I HATE needing my browser open to play a game. This alone is almost a deal breaker. I have 13 pinned tabs (mostly for school), and they have to stay open because of BattleLog. While BattleLog is pretty slick, I would rather see it in-game, as opposed to a web-only service.
-NO COLORBLIND MODE. Its rather difficult to see markers now (they got smaller, too).
Don't let this list discourage you. There are also some welcoming changes as well:
-MY FAVORITE: M16 style guns no longer use the charging handle, AT ALL <333
Mag partially empty; insert new one. Mag size +1.
Empty; Insert new mag, drop the bolt via the bolt release. (99% sure its just mag size, no extra round)
-UI is intuitive, easier to glance at.
-A HEALTH BAR
-beautiful graphics. Time to whore my machine! Core 2 quad @ 2.95Ghz, 4 GB DDR3 1333, GTX 460 1GB OC. I have it set to preset "High" and I don't drop a frame too often at 1920*1080 fullscreen.
-PRONE POSITION
-Kill Assist points: If you wound an enemy that is soon killed, your assist value is based off your damage, meaning if you deal 75 points of damage, get a 75 point assist. Do 10 points of damage, get a 10 point assist.
-EVERY SQUAD SPAWN FROM YOU EARNS YOU 10 PTS
-Guns appropriate to your team. If you are on the RU, you get AK's, and other shitty guns. US gets the M16, M416, M9, M249, M9001, and others.
-Jumping over obstacles, you see your legs!
-When you are revived: [SPACE] Accepts the revive -OR- Hold [E] to respawn anyway. Big Deal!
-A lot of other things I forgot.
So all is not lost. I will submit bug reports to DICE and EA to see what they can and cant fix. Other than that, enjoy they game for what its worth. And remember:
PTFO!
(Play The Fucking Objective)
THE BATTLEFIELD 3 BETA IS SLICKER THAN SNOT.
Some details:
-Operation Metro, set in Paris. RUSH, 16v16.
-4 pairs of MCOM stations. 2 outside, 2 in subway tunnels.
-Classes are switched up from BC2, I stick with engineer.
ALSO, BUGS, BUGS EVERYWHERE.
I will probably add to this list, and anyone else involved in the beta can post their bugs in the comments. That being said:
-You can only open the [ESC] menu during gameplay. Not during the spawn screen, or at a round end. ONLY while deployed.Same for load-outs and such.
-Minor graphical glitches, but this is expected.
-Key bindings. Will NOT play nice with MB 3,4,5, and very picky about keyboard keys.
-Chat. Press [J],[K], or [L]. But you don't know if its All, Team or Squad chat because its not labeled. The chat history box is damn near impossible to read on 1920*1080
-Team killers. Team killers everywhere.
-BattleLog. I HATE needing my browser open to play a game. This alone is almost a deal breaker. I have 13 pinned tabs (mostly for school), and they have to stay open because of BattleLog. While BattleLog is pretty slick, I would rather see it in-game, as opposed to a web-only service.
-NO COLORBLIND MODE. Its rather difficult to see markers now (they got smaller, too).
Don't let this list discourage you. There are also some welcoming changes as well:
-MY FAVORITE: M16 style guns no longer use the charging handle, AT ALL <333
Mag partially empty; insert new one. Mag size +1.
Empty; Insert new mag, drop the bolt via the bolt release. (99% sure its just mag size, no extra round)
-UI is intuitive, easier to glance at.
-A HEALTH BAR
-beautiful graphics. Time to whore my machine! Core 2 quad @ 2.95Ghz, 4 GB DDR3 1333, GTX 460 1GB OC. I have it set to preset "High" and I don't drop a frame too often at 1920*1080 fullscreen.
-PRONE POSITION
-Kill Assist points: If you wound an enemy that is soon killed, your assist value is based off your damage, meaning if you deal 75 points of damage, get a 75 point assist. Do 10 points of damage, get a 10 point assist.
-EVERY SQUAD SPAWN FROM YOU EARNS YOU 10 PTS
-Guns appropriate to your team. If you are on the RU, you get AK's, and other shitty guns. US gets the M16, M416, M9, M249, M9001, and others.
-Jumping over obstacles, you see your legs!
-When you are revived: [SPACE] Accepts the revive -OR- Hold [E] to respawn anyway. Big Deal!
-A lot of other things I forgot.
So all is not lost. I will submit bug reports to DICE and EA to see what they can and cant fix. Other than that, enjoy they game for what its worth. And remember:
PTFO!
(Play The Fucking Objective)
Friday, September 23, 2011
More Silliness!
On a slightly different note from the last post, and actually following the style of this blog, I will be portray my current feelings at this moment about the interwebs, technology, antics, and life. Which means none other than the BATTLEFIELD 3 BETA!
That's right, the open beta is September 29th, and is going to be off the hook! If you have recently spoken with either Riley or myself, you would know we are both incredibly attractive and excited about this release. Whenever my other half isn't participating in SC2 tournaments, we play up the Bad Company 2. After a slight amount of skepticism (And gifting a copy to Connor), I decided to give it a try. BC2 doesn't leave a whole lot of room for improvement in terms of the fps experience, but BF3 shaping up to be one badass game, and EA and Dice are raising the bar once again.
If you haven't seen or heard anything about BF3, there's only a few things you need to know about:
-Frostbite 2.0, one of the most powerful gaming engines available. It offers life-like graphics and incredible physics.
-64 player PC multiplayer (big deal).
-64 player PC multiplayer (big deal).
-Fuckin' jets. JETS.
-General CoD ass kicking bad-assery.
See for yourself:
So now you understand why the beta next week is going to be fun. I pre-ordered the game on JUNE 9TH. This feeling is like peeking at Christmas presents. Except your present is a load of guns. And jets. Did I mention the jets?
Pic related, MFW BF3 was available to pre-order (and how you should be now)
Monday, September 19, 2011
Swag?
A lot of times I'll be out, wandering the street when one of two things will happen. Some random super-model will suddenly drag me into the nearest dark place and offer me sex, combined with a wheel-barrow full of money, or I'll be stopped by some awful vagrant that'll ask me if ever the time will come for blog swag! I like to think we're a pretty decent sized blog with our whopping eight whole subscribers, and I know I like to do the whole self deprecating act of always complaining about the low quality of my blog, but I want to assure all of you, that this blog will never, EVER have any sort of product for sale on it, and will never, EVER be milked of your hard earned dollars with programs as devious as advertising, the selling of products, or streaming live, uncensored hardcore horse pornography.
Now that all of that is out of the way, my imagination has run wild and when I created the beagle, I was requested a shirt of some sort with it, so I went to the professionals over at http://www.shirtmockup.com, and made a masterpiece of clothing that I would be more then happy to stroll about town wearing, perhaps accompanied by a top-hat, monocle, a small glass of brandy and a cigar.. For that one guy who wanted a shirt, I did all of this, because I care. I care about each and every one of you crazy little goofballs..
Look at that god-damn piece of art I tell you! Art! It rivals the Sistine Chapel, and Michelangelo, Sandro Botticelli, Pietro Perugino, and Pinturicchio (All names I did not just rip off of wikipedia) can suck it, because I am officially better then they are, and easily ten times cooler then Adam, who's dog, I must remind you all of, is dead.
Now that all of that is out of the way, my imagination has run wild and when I created the beagle, I was requested a shirt of some sort with it, so I went to the professionals over at http://www.shirtmockup.com, and made a masterpiece of clothing that I would be more then happy to stroll about town wearing, perhaps accompanied by a top-hat, monocle, a small glass of brandy and a cigar.. For that one guy who wanted a shirt, I did all of this, because I care. I care about each and every one of you crazy little goofballs..
Look at that god-damn piece of art I tell you! Art! It rivals the Sistine Chapel, and Michelangelo, Sandro Botticelli, Pietro Perugino, and Pinturicchio (All names I did not just rip off of wikipedia) can suck it, because I am officially better then they are, and easily ten times cooler then Adam, who's dog, I must remind you all of, is dead.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Our downs syndrome child
So I came on here just to quickly apologize for Adam's last post.. It's not so much that it was a piece of shit, but more-so that it just made no sense and appears to be the product of a super hyper-active autistic child. I like to think that this blog has at least some semblance of respectability, regardless of the fact that most of the humor is absolutely ridiculous but we hold ourselves to a higher standard then Adam did I guess. Hopefully he'll learn from his mistakes and NEVER POST ANYTHING LIKE THIS AGAIN. If he does, expect to never see another post from him.. Ever again.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Additional Content
ALRIGHT YOU MISERABLE EXCUSES FOR MOTHERLESS SHIT-BRAINS, THIS IS A BLOG POST, WHERE WE BITCH AND COMPLAIN LIKE WOMEN, AND DONT GIVE A SINGLE FUCK ABOUT FEELINGS, RELIGION, OR RILEY. THAT BEING SAID, THIS WALL OF TEXT IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY DUREX, BECAUSE FUCKING VAGINAS.
DOING MANLY SHIT, I FIXED THE FUCK OUT OF MY TRUCK. SPARK PLUGS AND ALL THAT SHIT. WIRES AND BOOTYS. FUCKING BOOTYS. DISTRIBUTOR CAP AND ROTOR DICK KISSING REPLACEMENT. AND TODAY THAT HORRIBLE SQUEAK FROM THE ALTERNATOR WAS DESTROYED LIKE THE VIETCONG. AFTER ALL THAT, THERE WAS STILL A little SQUEAK SO I SAID "LISTEN UP ALL YOU CUM SWAPPING NAZIS, TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS SQUEAKING SO LOUD BEFORE I FUCK YOUR SISTER SIDEWAYS" AND BELIEVE IT OR FUCKING NOT, THE FUCKING FAN BELT MELTED, AND I PUT A NEW ONE ON. AND NOT A SINGLE SQUEAK WAS HEARD THAT DAY.
ONWARD TO VICTORY, FUCKING EDUCATION. I START IN A WEEK OR TWO OR WHENEVER THE FUCK I WANT, AND I CAN HONESTLY SAY I AM BARELY EXCITED TO GO TO INTRODUCTION TO BUSINESS AND COMPUTER CONCEPTS I. ONCE ALL MY GEN EDS ARE TAKEN CARE OF LIKE THE DWARF SLAYER I AM, ILL BE MINECRAFTING AND MASTURBATING AND NOT GIVING A FUCK ABOUT RILEY.
SPEAKING OF THAT FUCKING IDIOT, HE SEEMS TO BE GETTING A FUCKING JOB. GODDAMMIT, FINALLY YOU LAZY SON OF A BITCH. GO TO YOUR JOB WORKING A MINIMUM WAGE LIQUOR STORE JOB, TALKING TO THE SCUM OF THE EARTH, ALL THE DUMB FUCKING ALCOHOL ADDICTS AND ALCOHOLICS. GOD I WISH YOU HAD THE BALLS TO KILL YOUR OWN DOG.
AND WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER FUCKING IDIOT, CONNOR? HES DICKING AROUND WITH HIS DICK IN HIS DICK AT GAME SCHOOL, LEARNING HOW TO MAKE SHITTY GAMES LIKE PORTAL 2: EPISODE ONE AND TEAM FORTRESS: BLUE SHIT. I BET HE'LL GET A JOB AT MOJANG OR VALVE, MAKING DLC HATS FOR TF2. FOR FUCKS SAKE CONNOR, MAKE MORE HATS.
AND IF THIS POST DIDNT SEEM ANGRY ENOUGH WITH THE CAPS, I DECIDED IM GOING TO VOTE FOR FUCKING RON PAUL, BECAUSE FUCK AMERICA, IT CANT GET ANY WORSE, RIGHT?
MAYBE AFTER POSTING THIS BULLSHIT, RILEY WILL GET HIS BITCH TITS OFF FUCKING STARCRAFT AND DECIDE TO ACTUALLY BE A PART OF THE INTERNET. GOD WHAT A FAG, FAGGING AROUND WITH A BUNCH OF FAGCRAFT FAGS. I BET HE LIKES PENISES.
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